6 weeks...

Today is the six week anniversary of my miscarriage.

Today, I finally got my period.

Although I was hoping to skip having one altogether and become immediately pregnant again, I am relieved to know that my body is healing and being put back together again.  The doctor says we should wait 2 cycles before we try again, but that hasn't stopped us.

I titled this blog more appropriately than I had imagined.  It appears that the road to motherhood will certainly be a journey.  However long or winding, the road leading up to it is paved with the best of intentions.  I am so very happy to be starting a family with this wonderful man in my life and right now I look forward to the day he will call me his wife. The rest will come in time...

you left me as quickly as you came...

I lost you, baby.  I lost you in the early hours of June 16th, 2011.  I remember it like it was yesterday, despite it being almost a month ago.

I woke up around 4am with an odd feeling, gurgling deep in my lower belly. It was something I had not experienced for what seemed like eons, but had actually been around 2 months.  I had diarrhea.  This struck me as strange, considering I had been so constipated since I found out I was pregnant.  It was the one thing holding fast and true, reminding me of the little life draining all the fluid and nutrients from my body.  I chocked it up to the turkey burgers Ian had fixed for dinner.  Maybe he had undercooked them? I thought to myself...

I awoke the next morning. Business as usual. Excited and nervous for what I had hoped to be the last ultrasound I would have for a while.  Little did I know what I was wishing for that morning.  There was no heartbeat. Somewhere around 9-10 weeks, your life left me. You left me as quickly as you came. I never met you, but I had loved you so much. You consumed my thoughts and my life from the moment I realized I was going to have you. You were a blessing, a miracle, a true wonder and joy. You had given me something I had longed for, for so long...the excitement and anticipation of motherhood.

I'll always miss you and think of you. You're still with me, I know it.  Although I've never had to encounter the passing of a loved one, you were my loss.  I still mourn you.  It's soon, still. You would have been 3 months on Sunday.  I'll try to remember that you're with God and that you'll be with the next angel that comes down to join our family.  January 22nd will never be the same ever again.

Power out...

No...not the Arcade Fire song....but there was a really bad storm here and our power is kaput.  Why did it have to happen during the last game of the Stanley cup? We lost power like 15 minutes ago and the Bruins already scored again twice. Ugh. I'm so tired and achey that of course I cannot sleep. It's already so hot in here. I can't believe my mom endured 9 months of this in the Florida summer heat. Lawd!

Peanut-Chocolate Mud Pie Squares recipe

Peanut-Chocolate Mud Pie Squares recipe

I'm in a seriously destructive mood...

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm sooooo hungry!!!!!! But, I feel sooooooo pukey!!!!!!!!!!  I really really really want to go eat at Yeah Burger...but we're kind of broke.  Is it possible to feel like you're going to hurl at the same time you're craving greasy red meat stacked with onion rings and a side of peanut butter/chocolate ice cream?

PS. Morning sickness is a cruel joke when it only shows up after 3:00pm

the muppets....

will our kids ever know how wonderful they were?

And, Sesame Street? This is awesome....

(the bean) sick joke...

My amazing coworkers/friends feel desperately inclined to name the unborn....this showed up in my email box a few minutes ago.  They are convinced that if I'm being swayed to name it a "spanish" name...that Frijol would work out like a charm...

Thanks guys....

we got such an awesome deal...

So dare I say it?  I'm a little pissed off.  Earlier this year, I scored a totally badass deal from Half Off Depot for White Water Rafting.  It was so good, I posted it on Facebook and one of our friends even bought a voucher for it.  Well, now that I'm all knocked up I won't be able to go. Do you know how long I've been wanting to go White Water Rafting?  I've been putting it off for so long because my friends can't get it together to agree on a date to go, a time of year that works, blah blah blah....

Almost as bad for the baby as hard drugs...

I finally make strides to just DO IT...just Ian and I and have some fun...we were even going to rent a cabin...and now I can't.  Did I mention I'm kind of pissed?

White Water Rafting...just add it to the long list of things I can't do while I'm pregnant....like scooping out the litterbox, drinking alcohol, eating sushi, and deliciously evil soft cheeses....

Tuesday was a trying day...

Wow...a lot to report!  First things first, my due date has been pushed back from January 22 to February 1st (as you'll see I've changed all my tickers on the right!)  I went to the doctor yesterday for a "confirmation appointment."  According to my last ultrasound, the doctor seems to think I'm not as pregnant as once thought.  This decision/realization/determination comes after reading the baby's heartbeat on the last U/S, at 75 bpm, it's a tad slow for an 8 weeker, but apparently a-ok for a 6 week embryo.  Who knew?  I'm a little upset, mainly because I thought I was out of "worry mode" when they said "As long as we hear a heartbeat, we're ok" at the last ultrasound.  Now I'm hearing "We need another ultrasound on Thursday to determine the heartbeat and line it up with the age."  What next?  Yikes!  I hope everything evens out...it's already been a bumpier ride than I would have preferred. I guess the bean likes to make an grand entrance...

So, the bean is back to being a blueberry, and not quite a raspberry yet! It's a little confusing, because we found out I was pregnant on May 20th.  Which, according to this new due date, would mean that I was only 2 days pregnant at the time?!  I think!? I don't know. I'm just hoping the findings are normal on Thursday and I'm kind of excited to get another sonogram picture out of it all :)

If I'm only 7 weeks prego today, I guess that means my symptoms have been a tad more severe than originally expected.  My boobs are GI-NORMOUS and I found it somewhat flattering that my young, with-it doctor couldn't stop staring yesterday.  I guess I still have it, overweight, b00balicious, pregnant and all! >:o)

Also, I'm restoring my faith in BabyCenter Community.  As much as I got pissy and hurt yesterday when someone told me the apparent "baby bump" in the photo I posted was just BLOAT, I must agree they were right.  Especially if all this business of not being quite 8 weeks is true.  There's just no way, not even if I was a size 2 at this point could I have a distended tummy like the one I am currently sporting!  Thanks lady, and thanks to the extra sweet girl who posted afterwards who just simply said "embrace your bloat!"

I guess I'm a little overeager to start showing off a bump that hasn't even formed yet.  The little bean is still growing and just isn't there yet.  Did I forget to mention that I lack the virtue of patience? Yep, I'm definitely cut out for this mommy thing, huh?  Ahhhh, I'll just have to add that to my list of prayers.

Chock full of Yum & Health

NOT! a Diet Coke

By the way,  good eating habits abound! I'm doing very well in the eating department.  I have made huge efforts to incorporate legumes (yep, I said it and you know what they are!), leafy greens, healthy whole grains, and dare I even say it....MILK (Organic, even!) into my diet!!!!  Please take a look at my awesomeness-du-jour, accompanied by a glass of (gasp!) water...yes...no more Diet Cokes...(as of 3 days ago now!!!)

PS. Being pregnant and hungry at Whole Foods is dangerous.  Avoid it all costs if you can! Well, unless you're married to a fancy doctor or lawyer.

man...babycenter community is a little harsh

So I joined Baby Center "Community" and joined a couple of groups...and I always see girls posting their belly pictures asking for opinions, etc.

I just got a comment on my post about my 8 week picture saying that "You are probably very bloated."
I don't know why but it hurt my feelings.  :(
Bitches!!! Maybe I am...whatever...I shouldn't have posted a picture if I didn't want o hear it!

Nursery Decor...

The Land of Nod

Loving everything over at BabyBedding.com!!!
They've got me wanting a boy AND a girl....it's enough to get knocked up again for the fabric swatches ALONE!

The Land of Nod

Seriously...it's going to be a tough road ahead in the decorating of the nursery department....

The Land of Nod has some pretty specatcular gear.  Their selection of mobiles are totally gorgeous! And, their stuffed toys are totally rad, if I do say so myself! 

i might lose my lunch...

It's a proud day...I've been really healthy (ok, healthier) with my food intake today.  I prepared a low fat cold pasta salad for Ian and my lunch.  It's chock full of goodies like protein-packed garbanzo beans, chopped spinach, and dried cranberries.

However, I almost lost my oh-so-healthy-protein-packed lunch when I started perusing websites on determining your birthplan.  Apparently, my stomach has become so sensitive, it cannot handle reading about perineal stretching, membrane rupturing, or afterbirth while eating.  Good to know.  I'm making a "mental memory" of that one.

sweet, salty, and oh-so-addictive!

 Ok, so this is my "healthy" attempt at having something sweet with my lunch.  They were on sale at Publix (buy one, get one free - family value sized, too) and I just adore granola and nuts!  I will not share exactly how many of these bars I had yesterday.  It's none of your business, really! :-)

birth plan? huh? I don't know...make it NOT hurt or have anything break please...that includes my vag...

Ewww....GROSS! Assisted Cesarian??? Radical Doulas? Eek...

I have no idea what I want when it comes to giving birth.  The concept/idea of it all just scares the CRAP out of me.  Can I repeat this for you...TERRIFIED!  I have some at-home studying to do...my first (and maybe only!) baby book just came in the mail!

did you want some cheese with your whine??

So...blogland...Mom...Ian...and whoever else may stumble upon reading this blog...

It has occurred to me that this feels like the pregnancy symptom complaint blog.  I'll have you know, dearies, that it was never my intention to come off as a whiner.  I suppose the only thing going on with this pregnancy right now is the ever-changing wierdo things happening to my body.  Otherwise, life is pretty uneventful right now.  And, although I anxiously await the days of posting photos of my baby showers and awesome nursery decorations and furniture, right now all I've got to share with you is my insomnia.

It became apparent to me this morning that Ian is getting "used to" my hormonal rants and insomnia induced morning moodiness.  He flows through the morning routine like a champ consisting of feeding the kitties, putting down some drinking water, filling up our tupperware containers full of whatever today's lunch consists of, walks outside for a cigarette and all the while just stays OUT of my way.  I feel terrible. Especially this morning...both physically and emotionally.  I'm moody because I didn't get any sleep last night.  In fact, I spent most of last night resenting Ian for his extended snoozefest while I tossed and turned with my Boppy Pregnancy Body Pillow. I feel terrible for being so damn moody and bitchy.  I know he's been going through his own anxiety lately, and I haven't particularly been the strongest shoulder to lean on, but hey...I'm growing a human here! Anyway, needless to say, I love this guy more and more with every passing day.  I mean, my mom doesn't even put up with my crap...she called me out last night.  When, apparently I was "dismissive" on the phone during our brief conversation.  Little did she know that I wasn't trying to rush her off, just trying to finish eating my bowl of Peanut Butter Chocolate GooGoo Ice Cream.  I was enjoying it dammit.  No harm, no foul.  But, I never meant to be RUDE.  Sorry.  Thank you to both Ian and my Mom for everything that they have done, continue to do, and will do in the future...I really love you guys!!!

Anywho...hoping all of this gets a little easier...  Can I have one of those easy, breezy, beautiful (minimal weight-gaining) pregnancies, please? Argh! Suffering from really bad allergies, causing me not to get to sleep, snowballing into anxiety of insomnia...Rawwrrrr!!!!  I need a nap.  Maybe I'll take one of those lunchtime power naps.  Hopefully I'll get some sleep before I scratch my eyeballs out. Yay...it's MONDAY.

Doc in his jumperoo...

My friend Amanda just had a little boy about 6 months ago.  He's already so BIG with his 2 little teeth and strong enough to jump all afternoon in his jumperoo (or Second Mommy) as she likes to refer to it!  I cannot wait for all of this!!!

8 weeks today...

My little bean is the size of a raspberry today.
He's finally almost an inch long and has fingers and toes (albeit webbed). I can't believe the little monkey is finally starting to look like a human. I've been so tired lately. I don't know where or how I will ever get enough rest. My house has become my hibernation den of relaxation. I make every attempt to get all the rest I can while I'm home. The nausea and fatigue have made having a social life tough lately, but I hope that this weightlifting prenatal yoga class will help.  I was a little sore today, which is a good sign. I was using 10lb weights yesterday, so I'm kind of proud that I haven't turned to complete mush. Spent most of the day in bed with my heating pad napping and dreaming of being a mommy. I just can't wait to meet this little angel. I better start learning everything I can from my mom. How does anyone ever figure out how to be a good mom?

Yum!

Ok, so no more BAD fast food sausage biscuits! Went to Publix last night and got Turkey Sausage, Egg White on English Muffins. yay. Good morning!

Show off...

Hey baby...you've already set up shop on my desk at work.  You already have your own picture frame and little spot next to my mouse.  I already feel like a parent with a picture of her kid on my desk!  I love you and can't wait to put a real picture of you in there!  I'm just so happy you're finally REAL :)

britpop mama...

kind of awesome...the "Union Jack" Evenflo Snugli

Tipping the scale? I'm going to have to be really diligent!

Being overweight before pregnancy increases the risk of various pregnancy complications, including gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. Although a certain amount of pregnancy weight gain is recommended for women who are overweight or obese before pregnancy, some research suggests that women who are obese can safely gain less weight than the guidelines recommend. Work with your health care provider to determine what's best in your case and to manage your weight throughout pregnancy.

In addition, remember that if you gain more than the recommended amount during pregnancy and you don't lose the weight after the baby is born, the excess pounds increase your lifelong health risks. Gaining too much weight during pregnancy can also increase your baby's risk of health problems at birth and childhood obesity.

Food oddities...

It's 4am and I wake up hungry...I stumble into the kitchen after peeing of course...what sounds good???

Baby carrots and Ancho Chipotle Ranch Dressing. Thanks baby!

this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius...

Ok, I know it's silly...but it's fun to think about.  The baby's sign will be Aquarius...here's some fun info on the sun sign...

Aquarius is the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence. Aquarius are the people who deviate from the crowd and go their own way. They are always after intellectual stimulation, constantly discovering something new, forming new opinions and stubbornly traveling their way regardless of what other people think. Aquarius are filled with paradoxes, they are interested in the opposite ends of the spectrum, they like to be alone yet are social butterflies, they like to experience both sides and see both opinions as they formulate new ideas with their forward thinking, active mind. Aquarius have a 'live and let live' policy where everyone is free to be themselves, an Aquarius never judges others because as human beings, we are all equal and entitled to our own opinions. They are verbally skilled and very witty, they observe people and learn how to interact with others through observation. They can be masters of manipulation justifying anything they do or think. As a result, they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation. They welcome change because boredom is their enemy. Anything new is an opportunity to Aquarius. Aquarius can act as an expert on any topic, they are very good at inflating their own importance, they feel it is deserved because their eccentricity makes them unique. Conventional people beware, Aquarius likes to shock and deviate from the norm, this is how they live. Aquarius is known to pick at anyone they find weak or dull-minded. It is simply an easy target for verbal exercise for them, no harm is meant but it might be taken from the other person. Deep inside, Aquarius would never intentionally hurt anyone, they have respect for every human, even thought this might not seem apparent to the more emotional types.

music makes the heart grow fonder...

So ever since I got back from the doctor and saw the little flicker of a heartbeat, baby bean seems like a real person now.  And, since I played the violin for SO many years, I can't help but hope and dream he/she/it might follow in my footsteps.  Ok, so don't laugh, but I've had a pair of headphones on my tummy playing classical music from Pandora all afternoon.  I can't help it....I think he can hear it!

There's a heartbeat!!!

7 weeks, 4 days

I went in for my follow-up ultrasound today.  Today was kind of a D-Day.  Determination day of sorts.  Up until now, there was barely a sign of a "viable" pregnancy.  I saw the heartbeat today.  It's finally a real baby. There's a BABY in there! HOLY CRAP! I can't believe it.  I really have to stop eating McDonalds, dammit!  Wow, it honestly took my breath away! I really and truly can't believe I'm going to get to be a mom around 32 weeks from now.  All that time I spent worrying about the things I was told about my PCOS and Endometriosis, and my poor ovulation.  All I can say is, THANK YOU GOD! Ian and I couldn't be happier :)  I'm set for a "Confirmation" appointment next Tuesday.  I like the sound of that :-)  Here we go!

love it...